A slice of the pie

We are hanging out in our basement today, which is something we don't do all that frequently. We waited too long to turn the air conditioning on today so we needed to escape the 79 degree temps on our main floor. The girls went in their kiddie pool earlier today, so Charlotte is dressed just in a little swim diaper. I can't believe how big she is getting. She's playing independently with blocks and castles at my feet. She's very extreme- either super sweet with the most charming smile, or she's a terror of emotions and tears. I never know where I stand with this one, but she's number one in my book.

Amelia is still in a damp swimsuit, but she's curled up on the couch watching Chipwrecked. She's the world's best snuggler. Shes getting so tall. I'm amazed by some thoughts and ideas that she shares with me. Today she told me that all of the talking in our house was 'ridiculous' so she needed a break. I couldn't agree more since it was mostly political banter between her dad and her grandpa. She's been a little down since her grandma and grandpa left to go back to Cincinnati. She's my sweet sensitive soul.

TJ is sitting on the couch flipping through some magazines. It feels like we are finally coming out of the chaos of having an infant in the house. It's nice to just sit. And read. Or do nothing. We just celebrated our six year wedding anniversary. So much has changed in six years. Some bad, mostly good. The important thing is that we've done it together. It was nice to get out of the house with him this weekend. Sometimes I have to stop myself from just thinking of him as a father to the girls. I miss dates with my funny and caring husband.

My life is far from perfect, but as things stand today, I'm not sure if it gets much better than this.

Sprummerfever

Can I make a confession? I'm really bad at knowing when we are officially into a new season. Is it still spring? Not summer yet, right? Is it okay if we just call it Sprummertime and move on? Ok, cool.

It must be something about this time of year, but I kick into over active mode with plans and ideas. The weather starts to get warm and I realize how hard I've been hibernating. I'm not kidding when I say I may explore antidepressants before next winter. This weekend we took the girls to the zoo and to our county's Farm Park. Amelia loved them both. Charlotte likes to do anything but sit still, so those activities were okay by her.

I guess it's the change in weather because I feel like that is more than I did all winter. It also probably helps that Charlotte is FINALLY sleeping through the night which means I'm not walking around like a zombie. Seriously 13.5 months of interrupted sleep was almost enough to make me insane. Luckily she has finally caught on and I'm honestly not sure I want to go down the infant rabbit hole again. I'm content with these two sweet girls and I can't imagine life getting better than this!!

And also

I can clearly remember telling someone when I was about 19 years old that I would never want daughters.  At that time I was convinced that I only wanted boys. Looking back at that, I have to laugh! There's nothing I love more than being a mom to two girls.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

Overestimations in parenting

I often tell people that my maternity leave with Amelia was the greatest four months of my life.  I literally did nothing but spend time holding, loving, singing, reading, and cherishing a new baby.  As a mom to one infant, I was a superstar. If she cried, I was two steps ahead of her and was able to anticipate most everything.  TJ and I went out to dinner with her.  I ran errands with her. I felt pretty confident about my parenting.

A few weeks after Charlotte's birth I was feeling the total opposite.  I was feeling pretty rattled. My house was a mess, I was letting Amelia sit in front of the TV way too much, and I didn't feel like Charlotte and I were as in sync as I anticipated.  I felt like I was failing- messy house, more than 24 hours without shower, feeling stressed, the whole 9 yards. It all came to a head sometime last week. I would tell you the day, but honestly who can keep the days of the week when there aren't any work deadlines to keep straight? At any rate, I had my follow up OBGYN appt.  I fed Charlotte before I left, but the office is 30 mins away and was running WAY behind. I sat in the lobby all anxious about bringing her with me. I don't choose to breast feed in public, so I cause myself a lot of anxiety about when she's going to start getting hungry. Luckily, she was good and slept the entire time. I pushed my luck and tried to run quickly into Target to return some items and pick up just THREE things I needed.  Well, you know how that goes at Target.  Three things turned into me trying things on in the fitting room, picking up groceries while I'm there, etc.  When Charlotte woke up, it was all over. I ended up leaving Target with a screaming overly hungry baby.  I forgot my return in the car, and I was so rattled by her crying that I rushed out and didn't get any of the three items I needed.

I decided to feed her in the car, and headed back in.  Oh, and we got stuck in the pouring rain. I ended up feeding her in my car while crying! It gets worse.  After all of that, I thought I could bounce back and meet TJ and Amelia for dinner out.  Big mistake.  We asked for the check when our food arrived because she was again crying and miserable. Oh, and we got caught in the rain again and I was on the verge of tears on the way home.  Why is my baby so fussy? Why can't I comfort her? Why is she hungry all the time? These were some of the questions I was asking myself, but I know I had it all wrong.  It has nothing to do with Charlotte and everything to do with me.

I would have never pushed those limits with my first. I was so focused on doing everything right, that I was overly prepared for every situation.  It's not that Charlotte is fussier, it's that I would have never ventured out for that many hours when Amelia was 5 weeks old. It's not that I could not comfort Charlotte, it's that I underestimated how long my errands would take (and how shitty the weather would be).  Who wants to be strapped in a car seat for 4 hours? And then awkwardly fed and changed in the front seat of a car? Of course she was pissed off; I would have been too. 

I've vowed since to slow way down. If dinner isn't ready on time, if I have 4 laundry baskets of clean clothes in my room (ok, this isn't really hypothetical- it's true!), if I sit at home all day and just stare at Charlotte, I've decided that it is okay! I had been putting all this pressure on myself as I SHOULD be an experienced mom who can get it all done.  I need to stop comparing myself to that superstar mom of one.  She didn't have a three year old tornado making messes everywhere. She did not at all feel compelled to have dinner ready and a spotless house by 5 pm everyday. So, moral of the story: I'm going to slow down. I'm going to enjoy this time with Charlotte.  I'm going to stop running 4 hour errands until she's a bit older.  :)

Amelia Mae Walls

And just to be fair (and to keep it all in the same spot), here's our sweet Amelia's birth story from three years ago.  I wrote this while still in the hospital, so it's not as detailed as the second time around...

Since it's 2 AM and I'm still trying to get Amelia to sleep, I figured now is as good of a time as any to document her birth story! I feel like I could write a book, but I'll skip to the good parts.

I went in Sunday night as planned to begin my induction via an oral medication to help my cervix dilate a bit more and thin out by morning. I expected some cramps, discomfort, etc from the meds. Unfortunately, I had cramps, discomfort, etc due to a bad experience with a nurse. She was sugary sweet, but young and seemigly very new at the job. Everything she did, she had to bring someone else in the room, consult someone else, or just outright give bad advice. I'm pretty sure when you ask for heartburn medication, your medical staff is not supposed to just encourage you to "sneak items from home" because she's unsure of what she can authorize? Maybe I'm wrong? The worst part was that she could not control all of the beeping monitors or malfunctioning parts, so rather than seeking help from others, my husband had to point out the insessant beeping could be because the machine ran out of paper (he was right). And rather than to look into a possible malfunction with my fetal monitors, she restricted me to only laying flat on my back the entire night without even minimal movement. It was the worst night of "sleep" I've had to experience. I slept for 1.5 hours at the absolute max! This just put me in a cranky mood! By morning I was tired and bitter that we came in the previous night rather than getting a good night's sleep at home to come in a bit more refreshed for such an important day.

Nonetheless, I vowed to change my attitude with the arrival new nursing staff. My doctor was great, but it was disheartening to hear that after all the work done overnight, I was just 3 cms and not any more effeaced. I came in at 2 cms. If I had any "do overs" from this experience, I would have just come in Monday morning. But we don't get any such "do overs", only the ability to make different decisions next time and give you all information on my experience!

Even though I had not progressed much overnight, I did experience some cramping and contractions during the night. Pitocin was started at 6:30 AM, and as promised, it started kicking my butt pretty much right away. My doctor broke by water at 7 and by 8, I was thinking about my epidural! lol. I could have gone longer than I did, but I've heard too many horror stories about people waiting hours for anastesiology or waiting for IV fluids before authorized to get the epidural. So by 9 AM, anastesiology was putting that lovely device in my back. After getting the epidural, I was soooo much more comfortable. I could sleep (which I needed to do based on my overnight experience) and I could just relax and let things happen. Unfortunately, not much happened in terms of progress after that.

From 10:40 AM- approximately 4 PM, my body had not made any changes. I remained at 4-5 cms dilated and my doctor began hinting that there were only so many more things she could try before recommending a c-section. By that point, I was thinking that very thought myself so I wasn't too disappointed to hear her say it. Plus, I was just glad I wasn't going to be one of those people that pushed for hours and THEN still needed a c-sectionl. That sounded like pure torture. At least I had been comfortable up until that point. She did try to do some internal monitoring and increased pitocin, but nothing happened after that point. Not that a c-section was welcomed news to me, but I was not horribly upset by it. 

I had to wait for two other women to have c-sections ahead of me- one that was 8 cms and then had a prolapsed cord- yikes. I was exhausted by the time we went to the OR, but I was ready to meet my baby.

They got me prepped and had TJ standing by my head. I always thought that they would raise the baby up over the curtain so I got to see him/her before the baby was wisked away. They ddin't do that though! I will never forget the feeling I had when they announces I had a little girl. I will never forget what her first cry sounded like. I will never forget the rush of emotions to watch TJ disappear and hear him tending to our brand new baby. I started crying as soon as she cried. Even though I could not see her for 10-12 minutes, I cried like a baby and listened to TJ announce all of her stats- 7 lbs 13 oz, 20 inches. Born at 7:24 PM. Had lots of dark hair. Etc. She was then brought over to me and it was hard to get a good look at her with the angle, meds, and everything else, but I knew from that moment she and I were going to get along just fine.

By 8 PM, TJ was in the lobby announcing to our families that Amelia Mae had arrived. I was able to do some "skin to skin" contact with her right when we got out of surgery and then she breast fed for 42 minutes! Go girl! By 9 PM, our families were able to come back and meet her. We took tons of pictures and everyone thinks she looks like me.  TJ and I both have blonde hair, but I had a mess of dark hair when I was first born that looks just like Amelia's. I think its a huge compliment when people say she looks like me, because I think she's adorable.

She was really peaceful for the first 24-hours of life. She hardly cried. She latched on right away during my breast feeding attempts. She was a pretty easy baby. Since then, she's given us a run for our money! hehe. Hence, it's now 2:45 and I'm literally sitting right next to her isolette tending to her every movement. My milk is obviously not completely in, so I'm not sure how much that is contributing to her crankiness and difficulty feeding and sleeping. She has a great latch, but she gets sort of lazy and sleeps during feeds. She really is a good baby though and I'm so glad she's here! TJ and I are both excited to get her home into our own environment. I'm very sore from the c-section, but I think I'd be more relaxed at home. I'm getting around pretty good, but its hard not to be able to pick her up and move like I normally would. I think we'll be discharged home on Thursday!

 

Charlotte Hazel Walls

As written on 3/9/14

Charlotte’s birth story-

Leading up to Charlotte’s delivery, I had lots of pressure and sporadic Braxton Hicks contractions.  I was only 1 cm dilated at my last appointment, but 70-80% effaced. Dr. Boes had been making comments for weeks about how low the baby’s head was.  On Wednesday 2/26/14 Dr. Boes “stripped my membranes” to see if that would spark any real signs of labor.  On the overnight of 2/27 into 2/28 I began having timeable contractions at about 1 AM.  This lasted for hours.  I woke TJ up and we called the on-call doctor at approximately 4:30 AM.  Dr. Clinger asked us to keep timing contractions and to come in if I had at least 10 contractions in the hour. I got up and showered, only to have the contractions slow way down.  They had been as close to 3 minutes apart before our phone call to the doctor.  All was quiet for the rest of the day on 2/28.

On 3/1/14 I checked in at 6:15 AM for the scheduled c-section. The staff was prompt and had us prepped for surgery by 8 AM.  At 8 AM, I walked into the operating room. Dr. Zart assisted Dr. Boes and Dr. Malec was the anesthesiologist.  The nurses were all supportive and helpful. The anesthesiologist told us jokes to pass the time and to keep me from getting nervous (what do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steal?  Sparky, apparently.  Also, Cleveland is so cold that when President Obama came for a recent visit, he had his hands in his OWN pockets.) Hmm…

Right as the surgery started, TJ and I both found ourselves crying quietly.  I think it was just the buildup of excitement and knowing that our lives were never going to be the same. At 8:38 AM, we heard Charlotte’s first cries.  The doctors announced “it’s a girl!!” much to our surprise.  TJ and I both predicted that this one was a boy.  She was a whopping 8 lbs, 6 oz. 20 inches long. Perfect in every way! The doctors held her up over the drape so I could see her face.  I thought Charlotte was gorgeous! I didn’t expect her to weigh 8 lbs, 6 oz because she looked so small in the quick glimpse that I got of her.

TJ was able to leave my side to watch the nurses clean her up.  He cut the cord and kept repeating how pretty she was. I was having a bit of difficulty breathing during the surgery.  I felt a lot of pressure on my chest, which was a result of them sewing things back up.  I also felt nauseous and had to close my eyes while TJ was away with Charlotte.  I don’t remember it being that rough the first time around, but we were told that there was quite a bit of scar tissue from my previous c-section.  The anesthesiologist was able to give me something for the nausea and by the time TJ returned with Charlotte, I was able to open my eyes and enjoy her.  My arms were unstrapped so I could touch her and pose for photographs with TJ and Charlotte.  It was difficult to see her face, but it felt so nice to have her by my side and not in my tummy!

By 9:00 we were wrapping up in the operating room.  Charlotte, TJ, and I returned to the recovery room where I was able to breastfeed before having visitors.  She breastfed for approximate 45 minutes. TJ announced Charlotte’s arrival to our family in the waiting room by 9:45 AM.  TJ brought Amelia back first to meet her baby sister.  Amelia was sort of like a deer in headlights. I think the whole experience was a bit overwhelming to her, but she was eager to see her mom and her baby sister.  She posed for a few photos and even drew a few pictures for Charlotte before the rest of the family came back.  Both sets of grandparents, Kate, Anne, Rob, Chris, Kourtney, and Kayleigh all came in the recovery room to say “hi” and to meet Charlotte.  Initial reactions are that she looks like a Hazel baby.

Charlotte continued to thrive while in the hospital.  In the first 48 hours, she tried to eat A LOT. My milk came in sometime early on Monday 3/3.  Charlotte initially failed her hearing screen in her left ear, but passed before we left. We weren’t alarmed by this as the same thing happened with her big sister and we were told it happens often in c-section babies (lots of fluid still not pressed out of them).  She also had elevated bilirubin levels so she was monitored but not treated for jaundice. 

We were discharged from the hospital on 3/3 (Charlotte’s due date).  Grandma Toni and Grandpa Woody stayed with us for that night and made us dinner.  They left on Tuesday 3/4 to go back to Cincinnati.  On Weds 3/5 we learned that Charlotte’s bilirubin levels had increased after leaving the hospital (from 10.8 to 13.8) so she was treated for 24-hours with a biliblanket.  Since then, things have been smooth sailing!  We are just getting to know her beautiful personality.  She’s a very calm and easy going baby (unless she’s hungry!)  She is now a week old, and we aren’t sure what her temperament will be like.  She sleeps a lot, but is a very sweet baby so far! We love her to pieces.  Even big sister Amelia likes to be involved providing lots of hugs and kisses.

 

 

5 months hiatus

Well, don't take my silence as a bad thing.  Remember all those things (Baseball game, relaxing on the deck, going to parks, spending more time with my family, learning new recipes, etc) I posted about back in May that I wanted to fill up my days? Well, I'm happy to report that I was absent from my blog because I really was doing those things! I spent my summer truly living.  It has been so nice to have a reprieve from school and internships.  I had quasi-committed to going back to my internship this fall to do some very part time work.  I reluctantly called to cancel those plans because I honestly just don't want work to crowd my life.  I long to spend more of my life working to live, not living to work.

We got to sneak away on a weekend trip to Lake Chautauqua, which was the summer highlight to me.  Relaxing on a boat with my family was amazing.  Eating crab cake sandwiches while looking out on the water was heavenly. Taking Amelia to explore a new town brought us so much joy.

Most importantly on my summer bucket list was to work on making Amelia a sibling.  I'm happy to report that we were also successful in this area! We will be expecting Baby Walls #2 in early March.  We did not find out Amelia's gender during my pregnancy and we also won't be finding out this time. She's really excited to be a big sister, but she's not so sure about how to feel when she sees me with another baby.  Most often she cries, fights to get on my lap, and asks me to give the baby back to her parents.  Let's hope she adjusts better to a real sibling!

Our fall will be just as busy as our summer. We have many fall events planned.  We attended the fall fest at Patterson's farm, where Amelia was able to go in corn mazes, ride horses, eat apples, pick out pumpkins, etc.  We have haunted hayride tickets for this weekend.  Then the following weekend we have my work Halloween party and Amelia's daycare Halloween party to attend. I feel like as soon as we get past Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years are right around the corner.  Can someone slow all of this down for me? March (and baby #2) will be here before we know it!

Okay, that's all for now.  I really should figure out how to post some pics here. Let's try this...

 This is Amelia at one of her daddy's summer soccer games

Amelia having lunch in Chautauqua

 Boat ride on Lake Chautauqua

 The three of us at an outdoor summer concert in Columbus, OH

Amelia riding the horse "Gabby" at the Fall Fest

Amelia and her daddy at a baseball game- July 3rd, 2013