Tuesday, April 15, 2014
And also
I can clearly remember telling someone when I was about 19 years old that I would never want daughters. At that time I was convinced that I only wanted boys. Looking back at that, I have to laugh! There's nothing I love more than being a mom to two girls. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Overestimations in parenting
I often tell people that my maternity leave with Amelia was the greatest four months of my life. I literally did nothing but spend time holding, loving, singing, reading, and cherishing a new baby. As a mom to one infant, I was a superstar. If she cried, I was two steps ahead of her and was able to anticipate most everything. TJ and I went out to dinner with her. I ran errands with her. I felt pretty confident about my parenting.
A few weeks after Charlotte's birth I was feeling the total opposite. I was feeling pretty rattled. My house was a mess, I was letting Amelia sit in front of the TV way too much, and I didn't feel like Charlotte and I were as in sync as I anticipated. I felt like I was failing- messy house, more than 24 hours without shower, feeling stressed, the whole 9 yards. It all came to a head sometime last week. I would tell you the day, but honestly who can keep the days of the week when there aren't any work deadlines to keep straight? At any rate, I had my follow up OBGYN appt. I fed Charlotte before I left, but the office is 30 mins away and was running WAY behind. I sat in the lobby all anxious about bringing her with me. I don't choose to breast feed in public, so I cause myself a lot of anxiety about when she's going to start getting hungry. Luckily, she was good and slept the entire time. I pushed my luck and tried to run quickly into Target to return some items and pick up just THREE things I needed. Well, you know how that goes at Target. Three things turned into me trying things on in the fitting room, picking up groceries while I'm there, etc. When Charlotte woke up, it was all over. I ended up leaving Target with a screaming overly hungry baby. I forgot my return in the car, and I was so rattled by her crying that I rushed out and didn't get any of the three items I needed.
I decided to feed her in the car, and headed back in. Oh, and we got stuck in the pouring rain. I ended up feeding her in my car while crying! It gets worse. After all of that, I thought I could bounce back and meet TJ and Amelia for dinner out. Big mistake. We asked for the check when our food arrived because she was again crying and miserable. Oh, and we got caught in the rain again and I was on the verge of tears on the way home. Why is my baby so fussy? Why can't I comfort her? Why is she hungry all the time? These were some of the questions I was asking myself, but I know I had it all wrong. It has nothing to do with Charlotte and everything to do with me.
I would have never pushed those limits with my first. I was so focused on doing everything right, that I was overly prepared for every situation. It's not that Charlotte is fussier, it's that I would have never ventured out for that many hours when Amelia was 5 weeks old. It's not that I could not comfort Charlotte, it's that I underestimated how long my errands would take (and how shitty the weather would be). Who wants to be strapped in a car seat for 4 hours? And then awkwardly fed and changed in the front seat of a car? Of course she was pissed off; I would have been too.
I've vowed since to slow way down. If dinner isn't ready on time, if I have 4 laundry baskets of clean clothes in my room (ok, this isn't really hypothetical- it's true!), if I sit at home all day and just stare at Charlotte, I've decided that it is okay! I had been putting all this pressure on myself as I SHOULD be an experienced mom who can get it all done. I need to stop comparing myself to that superstar mom of one. She didn't have a three year old tornado making messes everywhere. She did not at all feel compelled to have dinner ready and a spotless house by 5 pm everyday. So, moral of the story: I'm going to slow down. I'm going to enjoy this time with Charlotte. I'm going to stop running 4 hour errands until she's a bit older. :)
A few weeks after Charlotte's birth I was feeling the total opposite. I was feeling pretty rattled. My house was a mess, I was letting Amelia sit in front of the TV way too much, and I didn't feel like Charlotte and I were as in sync as I anticipated. I felt like I was failing- messy house, more than 24 hours without shower, feeling stressed, the whole 9 yards. It all came to a head sometime last week. I would tell you the day, but honestly who can keep the days of the week when there aren't any work deadlines to keep straight? At any rate, I had my follow up OBGYN appt. I fed Charlotte before I left, but the office is 30 mins away and was running WAY behind. I sat in the lobby all anxious about bringing her with me. I don't choose to breast feed in public, so I cause myself a lot of anxiety about when she's going to start getting hungry. Luckily, she was good and slept the entire time. I pushed my luck and tried to run quickly into Target to return some items and pick up just THREE things I needed. Well, you know how that goes at Target. Three things turned into me trying things on in the fitting room, picking up groceries while I'm there, etc. When Charlotte woke up, it was all over. I ended up leaving Target with a screaming overly hungry baby. I forgot my return in the car, and I was so rattled by her crying that I rushed out and didn't get any of the three items I needed.
I decided to feed her in the car, and headed back in. Oh, and we got stuck in the pouring rain. I ended up feeding her in my car while crying! It gets worse. After all of that, I thought I could bounce back and meet TJ and Amelia for dinner out. Big mistake. We asked for the check when our food arrived because she was again crying and miserable. Oh, and we got caught in the rain again and I was on the verge of tears on the way home. Why is my baby so fussy? Why can't I comfort her? Why is she hungry all the time? These were some of the questions I was asking myself, but I know I had it all wrong. It has nothing to do with Charlotte and everything to do with me.
I would have never pushed those limits with my first. I was so focused on doing everything right, that I was overly prepared for every situation. It's not that Charlotte is fussier, it's that I would have never ventured out for that many hours when Amelia was 5 weeks old. It's not that I could not comfort Charlotte, it's that I underestimated how long my errands would take (and how shitty the weather would be). Who wants to be strapped in a car seat for 4 hours? And then awkwardly fed and changed in the front seat of a car? Of course she was pissed off; I would have been too.
I've vowed since to slow way down. If dinner isn't ready on time, if I have 4 laundry baskets of clean clothes in my room (ok, this isn't really hypothetical- it's true!), if I sit at home all day and just stare at Charlotte, I've decided that it is okay! I had been putting all this pressure on myself as I SHOULD be an experienced mom who can get it all done. I need to stop comparing myself to that superstar mom of one. She didn't have a three year old tornado making messes everywhere. She did not at all feel compelled to have dinner ready and a spotless house by 5 pm everyday. So, moral of the story: I'm going to slow down. I'm going to enjoy this time with Charlotte. I'm going to stop running 4 hour errands until she's a bit older. :)
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